Every guilty person is his own hangman.

I am forever varying DS’ diet, making sure I cover all the main food groups and he gets enough vitamins and nutrients to help him grow. For dinner today I made cauliflower and cheese, mixed with a bit of swede and potato so it would be heavier on the stomach. This was not a new concoction, I previously made it and he loved it. The last time I made the cheese sauce with too much butter and hardly any cheese; this time I grated too much cheese but used it all anyway, thinking the more calcium he has, the stronger his teeth and bones will be.

It was not until about the second mouthful his lips reddened and a rash formed around his mouth. We dismissed it at first, believing that it was just his existing eczema, but then it became evident that this was different; it was an immediate allergic reaction to the cheese. The rash spread to his cheeks and his chin, so much so that it looked swollen. His existing eczema started to worsen and the rash continued down both of his arms. The next thing we knew, he was spewing his food all over the floor. I was in hysterics.

After I cleaned him up, coated him in an emollient cream and changed him into newly washed clothes, he was much better. His rash rapidly disappeared and a cheeky grin spread across his face once again. I am so relieved he had such a speedy recovery and forgot what had happened within minutes. Unfortunately I was not able to get over it as easily, guilt ridden that I had made the food, and I caused his pain.

I set out to fill him up with goodness, hoping the more calorific it is, the more he would gain from it. Instead he suffered and now cannot eat any allergens in fear of reacting again. That means no more dairy, berries, exotic fruits, and oranges and nuts are a definite no-no. My attempt to vary his diet has backfired. I am not upset necessarily that he can no longer eat these foods, but more that he had to find out. If I had kept the dosage of allergens to a minimum, we could have avoided this whole scenario and DS would be able to continue not fussed with what he eats. I almost feel like I have physically poisoned him with this allergy, passing on my lactose intolerance through the umbilical cord without his consent.

He forgives me, for now, but can I forgive myself?

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One thought on “Every guilty person is his own hangman.

  1. Pingback: Got milk? « Kathleen Bradley.

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